My girlfriend was late, disorganized, and spacey. I was angry, frustrated, and felt like a victim. It was Not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I decided that I would get a job in sales, make enough money to pay the bills, have a little fun, and be independent for the first time in my life. I was a fresh-faced college graduate living in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago. It was a cute, homey area well known for being the settling place for many energetic, naive, immature somethings.
It was hard to make plans. She also took naps, so my messages went unanswered for long stretches of time. She would lose her car keys, wallet, phone, and credit card. I became more frustrated. I assumed that she was an organizational mess, and that she would never be able to free herself of this trait. I tried to be cool. I tried to be mature. I tried to be laid back.
Like a lot of year-olds, I thought I was emotionally and cognitively well beyond my years. I looked down on my college-student self - all of one year earlier - as the fool, and saw my new self as a broad-thinking, all-encompassing relationship peacemaker. Emotions got the best of me, though - not because I was overreacting or losing my mind, but because I misinterpreted her behaviors. Waiting 15 long minutes in the car each day became a marker of significance.
She had reached the point where she felt that it was OK to take advantage of me. She felt no urgency to meet my needs and downgraded my importance. In hindsight, my perception of events was wrong. There are two questions that should have flashed in my mind, and the mind of anyone in a relationship with someone diagnosed with ADHD.
I was more concerned about the impact of her behaviors on me. It would have encouraged me to acknowledge and accept her ADHD challenges. It would have removed blame from the equation and led to more questions: What can I do to help? What other areas of her life is this affecting? How can I be more accepting of the challenges that she faces? Little did I know that, later in life, I would become a special education teacher working with students who have ADHD. My journey has provided me with many experiences with and lots of knowledge about the disorder.
Would my relationship with Jenny have worked out if I had this knowledge all those years ago? However, it would have have made me more understanding and supportive of her.
I have learned to see things differently these days. On the up side he is an extremely sweet guy and totally loves me and my kids. He to me is equivalent to a Cave Man. He always says sorry and expect that to fix things that he does or breaks. I feel as though he has no regard for the things he does. For the last 3 years I worked on being nicer to him. I do not yell at him.
I try my hardest to use tender words. I try to explain things to him. In return he is just extremely frustrated and now yells a lot. He yells at me, the kids, the dog, the tress, the wind, anything you can think of frustrates him. It sounds like you put a long of energy and love into the relationship and get little in return. That must be exhausting. All of his problems are becoming yours.
Thats a difficult situation. His ADHD will never get better until he recognizes how much of a problem it is and takes responsibility. My suggestion, you have to what is best for you and your children. Thats what is most important.
Best of luck. Thank you so much for responding. I really appreciate your response. I know I have to let him go and that will most likely be what happens. Life is too short and I am not getting any younger. You are looking at a very long road indeed. Definitely not.
That is why the kid thing is no longer an option with him. I would never want to raise a child to deal with that. Dear nvbrooks: I hear you and I totally understand where you are at. It sounds as if you needed to let off some steam.
First, you are not wrong or crazy. Second, you are not alone. I have also been seeing a therapist for three years not because of my relationship with an ADD man, but to learn more about myself, yet it has helped me greatly to understand things. What I have to say is that it will never change. But he is not going to change. The question you asked was what could you or he do to salvage the relationship?
It now becomes what can YOU do? The only thing you can do is change yourself. Accept what he is like, learn to live with, adjust and accommodate it. And right along with that, start putting yourself first after your children, of course! Every day YOU matter. If the things he does are presenting safety issues, you MUST do something. The well-being of your children and yourself is your first priority. That is an absolute.
What is your point about a ring? What will that change? If he presents a ring, my first question would be: how did you pay for it? I think you should spend more time on yourself and your children alone. Read more about ADD. But start to get to know yourself and ask why you are in this relationship?
Are you afraid to leave it? Of being alone? Is there security in it? Do you feel sorry for him? Is it the sex? If he wants more, he has to make some changes. There will be no marriage and no living together, no shared financial responsibilities.
I just sort of zero-out on that stuff, and try to enjoy the good stuff. Save yourself and your kids. They are what matter most. Its tough to hear but what is it inside of you that is staying with this man? The evidence is clear that he is not right and he is not going to change.
Take responsibility, take action, grow, and survive. Or doing nothing, deny the truth, and die.
Adult ADHD in Men Compared to ADHD in Women , ADHD in Adults
Those are choices. Thank you sooooo much for responding LuLu and Patrick you guys are totally amazing! I will come through this. You both have totally empowered me.
I really needed this. Good your not alone. Your powerful, your a mother of two children. Your strong. Seek help when you need it. Find people that have been in similar situations. Stay strong and stay healthy. Not his. Gosh, I have to say, Patrick, that you have written two short but powerful sentences. You are right; it comes down to those two things.
That is sad. He absolutely does not even see a problem. He says he tried meds 20 years ago and they made him a zombie. I know that he was not working with an adult ADHD specialist. But he is unable to tell me what he took or for how long.
Given my experience with him, he could have tried something for six weeks, six months or two years. It turns out he was married to her for 7 years! Excellent posts above. The less I depend on someone else for my own happiness the less her quirks invade my peace and vice versa and since meeting her, already aware of many of my own failings I knew this would be a big one for me.
What do they say how the right people seem to often come into our lives at just the right time for us to learn and grow from if we so choose to?
Dating someone with ADHD can be fun, spontaneous, and exciting, but it can also be trying and intense. As difficult as it may seem, understanding the reasons for our loved one's behaviors - the abilities and challenges faced by a person diagnosed with ADHD - instead of taking those behaviors personally, is the right stance to take. There is a very interesting forum conversation going on that I would like to highlight here for those who are interested in whether or not they should continue dating someone with ADHD. In a nutshell, the original poster is nervous about whether or not the problems she sees in her relationship with her boyfriend with ADHD will always be present or if they can be improved. May 27, Also if you are one that needs reassurance, set schedules and structure dating someone with ADHD will require a lot of hard work and a possible new outlook on life. If you don't want that then I would suggest moving on. I just want to defend anyone who does have ADHD that they do bring beauty and a different outlook on life like taking it day.
Well my partner with ADHD is pushing me to be more accepting and especially more reliant on self for happiness. Similar to most of the comments, he was focused and adoring initially but that excitement has waned. Many of things he said he wanted to do, he has not followed up on or spoke of after those initial conversations.
And when I bring them up he usually has forgotten what he said and committed to. Sometimes when we talk, he will jump between different topics and completley forget to ask me about my day or other areas of my life.
If you ask him, he thinks our relationship is going great! Almost to the point of saying the L word. When we discussed the disconnect that I have been feeling he felt completely blindsided and was surprised.
The other thing is he feels completely inadequate when it comes to planning dates with me. We spend alot time talking on the phone, texting and hang out at home: cooking, lounging but I want to be dated lol Outside of my apartment when I spoke with him anout this he uses his ADHD excuse and doesnt feel like he can plan something that I will like. Im starting to feel like these issues are beyond adhd? Let me say this, he is a great guy and when he is in the zone he is loving and very supportive.
Id like to try to understand him and work with him and he wants to do better, but hasnt made much effort. Initally it was hyper-focus and he announced he was in love with me for years. I thought he was insane. And kind of ignored him. But he would call and we talked for hours.
About his life and work and family. And he sent me flowers and kept saying he really wanted to be with me and was not joking or crazy. I thought I had finally found IT! And we were not kids. He was 30 I was We were friends for 3 years before. Never knew him as anything but a funny, charming, great guy!
We started dating. And I was showered with attention. But never too much. After 5 months we were still in love. Then one day I brought Regular Coke instead of Diet.
He flew off the handle. Yelling and telling me I was stupid. I LOST it! I am no shrinking violet. We were done. We went no contact for a month. I wanted nothing to do with him. He was a product of child abuse and always have trouble expressing anger without yelling and name calling.
He loses his filter when he gets mad and says whatever comes to mind. To hurt the other and win. He was going to try because I meant everything to him. Still have that text to prove it. We had a long talk and I agreed to try again. Well, I wish I could say it never happened again. We would fight. I would walk away, go for a drive. And still be hurt when we saw each other.
And 10 minutes later he was fine! Things were good for a while and we moved it together 2 years later. Like a lot of ADHD sufferers, he is cool and collected outside and a dramatic ogre at home.
The wrong kind of bread will set him off. He fit so many boxes: He dropped out of school at 15, No one cared. He never stayed employed long and no serious relationships.
Everyone else is wrong and stupid. Women are too emotional, and no one can take a joke. After a fight he expels his venom and feels better.
Energized and great. Ready to makeup and be in love. Sometimes I want to hit him with the skillet. I realize now that he does not want to be that mean guy. He has gotten this far acting one way and leaving a wake of relationships. But every time we fight, he is the one apologizing.
He wants to be nicer to me. He tries not to say those things but it just comes out. We can split anytime and things have gotten pretty heated. But he loves me and I love him. He needs professional guidance because the world does not make sense to him in some ways. Peoples reactions to him are soft and everyone gets offended too easily. He is up for surgery next year and once that is done, I am going to tackle telling him its time to get help.
I have tried to be his therapy and that not fair to us. We need a professional. The Dr. I would suggest that you only attempt the relationship if: 1. They want to seek help, 2. But if there is a foundation of love and you can learn to respect boundaries it is possible. Props for you for being introspective and aware of your own feelings.
Its important to realize that your happiness is dependent on her. That you have to feel okay and at peace when she is not around. I should mention that to this day he has refused to sleep with me, which has been the source of a lot of my confusion. He was really intense for the first two weeks e.
Sep 16, Here, McGinnis along with Stephanie Sarkis, PhD., a therapist specializing in ADHD, share nine ways to be a supportive partner to someone with ADHD, without sacrificing your own needs. thatliz.com: Allie Flinn. May 23, Dating someone else who also has ADHD can seem like a fantastic solution to this issue. Being around someone who has also been in the same position and knows firsthand the challenges that ADHD can bring can be a relief. However, two people with ADHD aren't always a match made in heaven. There can be major incompatibilities if different people. Adult ADHD is often treated with a combo of medications, skills coaching, and psychotherapy, including couples counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy. If you have a spouse or partner, it's.
I know it might sound like I was doing all the caring, but at this point he had really taken the time to help me with my own struggles. To be honest, it felt like the sun had disappeared from the sky. Since then, we apprehensively had a month last summer seeing each other again, but then he fell ill.
I never met his mum, but she rang to ask if I would watch over him as she had to go away. I happily agreed to, but she ended up taking him to the hospital and cancelling her trip.
But would also ring me right before a deadline, pouring his heart out about being afraid of losing people, apologising for his reaction to my patience and saying he wanted to become the man I deserve etc.
Once, he gently called me a control freak and, although that was hurtful, I realised he was right in some sense and decided to work on letting go of things and not taking things so seriously. Adhd guys, being prone to excessive behaviours - well, my guy is an alcoholic. Not unusual with ADHD men. After years of abuse, chronic thiamine deficiency has led to brain damage. Basically, it means that he unknowingly makes up facts and memories because his memory is like swiss cheese.
Adhd alcoholics are horrible to be around. If that seems to be an ingredient early on, pay attention to this red flag and detach yourself! Run away!! Save yourself before your health and wellbeing are eroded! I agree with what you said. I am a recovering alcoholic with ADHD, we are horrible to be around.
We can get better but it is not our partners responsibility to get us better. Save yourself. A person with ADHD often feels disappointed, overwhelmed, and frustrated. When a person with ADHD appears to be acting selfishly, it may be that he or she is feeling overwhelmed with their own thoughts.
ADHD takes up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth. Slow down, be compassionate, and refrain from judgment. Your ADHD loved one will respond lovingly to your kindness. Trouble paying attention. If you have ADHD, you may zone out during conversations, which can make your partner feel ignored and devalued.
Even when someone with ADHD is paying attention, they may later forget what was promised or discussed. Poor organizational skills. This can lead to difficulty finishing tasks as well as general household chaos.
If you have ADHD, you may blurt things out without thinking, which can cause hurt feelings. Emotional outbursts. Many people with ADHD have trouble moderating their emotions. You may lose your temper easily and have trouble discussing issues calmly.
Your partner may feel like they have to walk on eggshells to avoid blowups. Study up on ADHD. Acknowledge the impact your behavior has on your partner. Separate who your partner is from their symptoms or behaviors.
Overwhelmed, secretly or overtly, by the constant stress caused by ADHD symptoms. Keeping daily life under control takes much more work than others realize. Their partners spend a good deal of time correcting them or running the show.
The corrections make them feel incompetent, and often contribute to a parent-child dynamic. Men can describe these interactions as making them feel emasculated. They often hide a large amount of shame, sometimes compensating with bluster or retreat. Unloved and unwanted. Afraid to fail again. As their relationships worsen, the potential of punishment for failure increases. But their inconsistencies resulting from ADHD mean that this partner will fail at some point.
Anticipating failure results in reluctance to try. Longing to be accepted. One of the strongest emotional desires of those with ADHD is to be loved as they are, in spite of imperfections. The lack of attention is interpreted as lack of interest rather than distraction.
Angry and emotionally blocked. Anger and resentment permeate many interactions with the ADHD spouse. Sometimes this anger is expressed as disconnection.
In an effort to control angry interactions, some non-ADHD spouses try to block their feelings by bottling them up inside. Incredibly stressed out. Non-ADHD spouses often carry the vast proportion of the family responsibilities and can never let their guard down. Ignored and offended. Exhausted and depleted. The non-ADHD spouse carries too many responsibilities and no amount of effort seems to fix the relationship.
A non-ADHD spouse might feel as if the same issues keep coming back over and over again a sort of boomerang effect. Watch what you say and how you say it. Schedule weekly sit-downs. Evaluate the division of labor.
Make a list of chores and responsibilities and rebalance the workload if either one of you is shouldering the bulk of the load. Split up individual tasks, if necessary. Develop a routine. Your partner will benefit from the added structure.
Schedule in the things you both need to accomplish and consider set times for meals, exercise, and sleep. Set up external reminders. This can be in the form of a dry erase board, sticky notes, or a to-do list on your phone. Control clutter.
People with ADHD have a hard time getting and staying organized, but clutter adds to the feeling that their lives are out of control. Help your partner set up a system for dealing with clutter and staying organized.
Final, sorry, dating someone with severe adhd this remarkable phrase
Community New Sweepstakes! April 26, at pm Hello everyone! Looking forward to reading your experiences and any tips will be greatly appreciated! Thank you! Parminter Participant. May 17, at pm August 5, at pm June 9, at pm June 12, at am AdeleS Participant.
May 16, at am RV Participant. AnneHW Participant. Good luck! May 16, at pm Lys Participant. Some good suggestions above. Here are my additions. May 19, at am May 20, at am Hi, Morena, You may not understand the dynamic until you live it.
All the best, Angie. May 23, at am May 20, at pm May 24, at pm Morena26, I can completely empathize with your frustration. DebCanada Participant. May 25, at am May 25, at pm Thank you, Mindy!! But that was then and now that you know and you have educated yourself I can only go by what my son went through as a child. But as I stated they gave me the pills but no education was given.
Now that I understand it I am sad at times that I didn't understand. But I have to say he is doing quite well now. But he doesn't have insurances so he is not on meds. You would think that as brilliant as he is he would get insurances.
But that's for another conversation. I had no concept of what ADHD was until I was diagnosed outside of the name like most people who have no other reason to find out any more about it. The part that I'm just now coming to understand for myself is the degree. From the sound of it Mostly when I'm stressed or anxious is when they start to become problematic otherwise I managed them by myself most of my life and squeaked by on a day to day basis sorta kinda except for the messes.
I've always been messy around the house or at best inconsistently clean and tidy The thing is, growing up in the 60's Little girls helped moms in the kitchen except in my case I did all those outdoor chores but my sisters weren't into cooking so my mom was happy to have me help her because I liked cooking even as a kid I took over all the outdoor grilling by the time I was a teenager so no one ever complained about the messes mostly my mom since that was her department anyway.
It really was the "leave it to beaver" world back then more commonly than not at least in the suburbs where I grew up. There was "womans" work and "men's" work if you know what I mean. Not saying this was good either I used to blame my disorganized slobbery around the house on this fact but now realize it had more to do with ADHD than simply not learning to do it because my mother was a stay at home mom and did all the housekeeping when I was a kid.
I can't remember my father ever going to the grocery store or even stepping foot inside the laundry room. I'm not sure he even knew we had one. I think kids like me that were hyper active and busy all the time building tree houses, shooting each other with bb guns and getting into acceptable amounts of mischief and mayhem weren't considered a problem back then as much as they would be now.
By todays standards I see this with my nieces nephews and friends children and have had conversations about this with my childhood friends who agree that some of the behavior that we got away with back then would be considered delinquent now.
The other thing that seems different today than when I was young was that kids are supervised and chaperoned everywhere all the time. When I wasn't doing sports or at school This is where I would get into to trouble More ADHD symptoms showing up but again We also lived in a newer and continually developing suburban area of town and there was always new house construction going on all around us.
Home and road construction was the greatest source for entertainment and served for endless hours of mischief including One time I was chased by a construction worker who arrived to find me driving a full sized D50 bulldozer down the road with friends which led me to quickly park the machine in someone driveway still running and jumped a fence and took off into the woods near by. This was not an isolated incident aside from this one time where the worker showed up unexpectedly. The point I'm trying to make here is that my ADHD seemed to blend in quite well at the time and went pretty much unnoticed by my parents.
Even if we got caught doing some of the things we used to do back then It was that "boys will be boys" attitude I think Unfortunately, my sisters were both straight A students so B's were acceptable but not praised in any way. As long as I didn't C's or lower I was never questioned as far as school was concerned. Like I said It was a transitional time and non conformity was favored rather than frowned upon.
It was safer for kids to roam free and was the norm back then. I only ran into problems when I was required to conform which wasn't that often. We lived by the old Catholic School boys credo " it's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is for permission. My ADHD fit the time and place I think and didn't make me stand out from my peers until later in life. As long as I had my bicycle with my baseball glove strapped to the seat I was ready for the day and had my own transportation to get me anywhere I wanted to go.
Later as a teenager beginning at age As soon as I turned 16 and could drive I would be up at the mountain many times starting Friday night night skiing until Sunday whenever possible I had to learn to be responsible and take care of myself and become self reliant which does have it's benefits.
There were down sides too of course but it could have been far worse I think. I had different families with my sport teams and other families or groups of friends based on activities like skiing. All of my friendships revolved around sports or activities and we were tight and close. So I can say my childhood was not hell at all except the times at home when I was required to conform and toe the line. That's where the problems existed.
Outside my home and family I had lots of activity sports and friends and the freedom to be a non conformist which is really what I am even today. No surprise there! I lost my ability to manage it the same as I had before and even though responsibility was not so much the issue And stress begets more stress which is really when my ADHD symptoms kick in.
If I can manage stress I can also manage my ADHD. These two things are inextricably linked for me. It's critical for me to find ways to manage my stress and anxiety or everything starts to come unglued.
For me Wish it could be refreshed into current time so others could benefit, who may not remember it or have not read it before. The first key opens the door I hoped differently at a point in my life a long time ago! I agree with you nomorebadhead - those stats would be heaven!! And yep, the disorganisation is one part I have had to give up on. I can't stand how messy the house is unless i clean it up, but it's just too much work everyday so I gave up.
I can so relate to the re-negotiation side of things. Absolutely exhausting!! How do you continue to find the energy to keep going and parenting and everything else? I've been married to my ADHD H for nearly 16 years and struggle some days to find a reason to get out of bed. Except that the children have to get to the bus stop for school How do you maintain your own wellbeing? I have told my wife every time we fight I just cant live in your disorganized world.
I have made a revelation in studying my wife's behavior in the past several years. It is not attention deficit disorder, it should be called attention misappropriation disorder.
Your post was so long ago but it is exactly what I am going through. My boyfriend was amazing one year ago when we met - he would send me long emails, flirt, text, take me on fun dates, etc. He then remained as attentive but I slipped into the drivers seat as far as planning most of our dates and we had a blast! He changed jobs and everything just came to a crashing halt - all of the attention, the initating of intimacy, the interest in me, etc.
He swears it is that he was unable to sustain that level of communication as in the beginning. We are set to get engaged shortly and I am starting to get a bit scared of how I am feeling.
I am a smart college educated girl with a ton going for me. I also got very ill a couple of years ago so I am in a situation where I am a bit more dependent on others than I would like to be. I want to be in a healthy relationship where two people are making an effort. I don't know what to do but I read your post and I swear, it mirrors my relationship including the short temper.
Hi chicago girl, Yes most of our stories read quite the same. I have had a few rants here on this forum about my ADHD husband of 16 years and the bottom line is this - whether you continue with this guy or not is totally your choice, and whatever you choose is your responsibility.
When I met my H he mentioned in passing that he had been diagnosed 'hyperactive' as a child, but I did not see the brevity of this opportunity at the time. I say opportunity because I firmly believe that at every point life offers us choices and opportunities. I had the opportunity to find out more about so-called hyperactivity but missed the poignance of the comment at the time.
Now, nearly 18 years and two children later, I can honestly say that had I've learned about the condition we now call ADHD, I probably would've pulled the pin on the relationship in its early stages.
BUT - along with some of the most heartbreaking and lonely times we have had a lot of amazing times too. Also, if I had've ended the relationship way back then my life would be totally different now. I would not have my beautiful son and daughter, I would not have my wonderful little house. I also would not be the same person that I have become. I guess what I'm trying to say is a bit like a Zen phrase of life - the pointy, rough rock in the river does not become smooth and beautiful over time without some buffetting and shape-changing by the river.
Most of us don't appreciate the wonderful changes and evolution that come from the challenges in life because we're largely taught to seek an easy path. However we don't learn and evolve while cruising the easy path. This is never going to happen. Life with this guy is always going to be a bit lonely and confusing at times, it may also be quite disorganised and frustrating.
Even positively heartbreaking Also, it's important to keep in mind while you're reading through this forum that most of us who have challenging partners log on when we're feeling really lonely and sad about our choices. Our lives aren't always terrible, there are good times.
But we're usually so busy enjoying and milking those moments for all they're worth that we don't feel the need to connect on the forum. Like I said earlier, I've had my rants during some of those down times, and that's probably one of the main things to consider as you read the various posts - it's not all bad and sad, but it is challenging.
It's also really important at this early stage to have some clear and blunt communication with your guy about his differences. Is he accepting of his differences? Is he prepared to enter into some sort of management program and educate himself also about the effects his differences will have on your relationship? Best wishes to you honey in whatever you decide, just don't allow yourself to be taken for granted and don't devalue your own self worth.
He's purchased an engagement ring but hasn't proposed and I am more and more thankful each day because I really don't know if I can go through with marrying him.
We have almost no physical relationship, I feel he's manipulative, he is a terrible housekeeper, can be bossy and demanding. The first 8 weeks of the relationship were wonderful, however there were times he'd say things that were very off-putting. At the time, I chose to ignore this.
He told me he loved me 1 week into our relationship and that he wanted to marry me on our 2nd date. At first I thought it was a "love-at-first-sight" occurrence but soon came to realize it was far from that. I broke up with him twice in the first year we were together, we somewhat worked out the differences we had and I agreed to move in with him. While there have been positive points since then, I've become more and more unhappy as time goes by.
I've tried to tell him that we should work on our relationship and he sees nothing wrong with the way things are and furthermore tries to tell me he's happy. I told him I didn't see how we could entertain getting married and spending the rest of our lives together with things the way they are right now. Then again, part of me feels if we are having these problems before we even get married, that we shouldn't move any further.
I've been reading a lot of posts about how the ADHD spouse gets ruthlessly angry and violent, and how these horrible characteristics are supposed to define adhd. I am sorry to say that your spouses probably have some other underlaying issues as well, don't blame it on ADHD.
Some people are just horrible, with or without adhd. I have had severe ADHD since I was a child and have never lifted my hand to strike anyone I've had a relationship with nor have I been verbally abusive, even when we have disagreed or argued about something ADHD also has its advantages if one is able to harness them.
While I have had issues in my relationships, like always being late, procrastinating, being disorganized and forgetting things like dates and anniversaries. I would always go out of my way to make it up to my girlfriends, the problem is this would make me feeling frustrated about myself and leave me drained because I would see that the poor girls really wanted it to work, but my tardiness and a few of those things that come with adhd.
Sorry, that dating someone with severe adhd valuable idea
I guess we adhd people are meant to be lonely. Two of my ex-girlfriend's saw something in me and tried to push me towards my goals, one of them In retrospect breaking up with her was a Big mistake, I thought I was doing her a favor, that she deserved better and it would happen any way when she finally go fed up and I would stop feeling horrible about myself for being such a jerk Since I had no idea I had adhd.
I just thought I wasn't trying hard enough. Do a lot of research together about it. And I found this thread because it was the question I wanted to ask. I've known a guy for 10 months now, and we're starting to have feelings for each other. I got so foreclosed as I read many posts on this thread and others. But then I read yours, RubenStein, and it was exactly like hearing his voice.
Jun 12, Id love any feedback from those with adhd or married to/dating someone with adhd. Let me say this, he is a great guy and when he is in the zone he is loving and very supportive. Id like to try to understand him and work with him and he wants to do better, but hasnt made much effort. Jul 23, How to Date Someone with ADHD. But love is also crazy, even if you end up dating someone with ADHD and the consequences are severely affecting your life. A lot of people would persevere thinking it's part of any relationship (by the way, it is). Here are some tips for dating someone with ADHD. Sep 29, Social relationships can create many challenges for an individual with ADD. Difficulties with paying attention to others, missing important verbal and nonverbal cues, impulsively reacting or saying things that may be hurtful, moodiness, quick temper, low tolerance for frustrations, forgetfulness, zoning out in conversations, oversensitivity to criticism, emotional over-reactions, problems.
Only with the awareness I feel my heart going out to him, and to you, as I read your words about blaming yourself and feeling that you're meant to be lonely. And yet, just a while ago, he hurt me so badly I was crying for a week and feeling the pain physically in my body. But I haven't told him yet how bad it was, because I don't want to make him feel bad either, just like he doesn't want me to Anyway, having feelings for someone who doesn't give me the focus I deserve triggers really deep wounds in me, since I had a mother who was emotionally focused on pretty much everything but me.
For the same reason I have a tendency to go into co-dependancy where I want to take care of and fix the other person, so I have to watch out for that.
Actually, when I first got to know this guy, I thought it would be good for me to date someone who was so inattentive to my signals, because in no way would he let me start fixing things up, lol After the big blow recently, I broke it off, and I can tell how sorry he is, and I don't kow what to do now. Why would I put myself through that On the other hand there are so many things about him that I like But then again, yet so many things I don't understand.
What could I hope for? Not in terms of attention, but in priorities, I guess. Why does he come in time to work, but forget dates? Like you, he is very passionate about his career. And I must be very honest and say, that as much as your post initially gave me hope, I could feel the same hope vanish when I read why you regret having let go of Patricia - not because you miss her, but because she would've been able to help you with your career, as I understand it?
So sorry if that question makes you feel like a douchebag. I just really need to understand. I read posts from people with ADHD who certify that their spouse is the most important thing in the world, although the focus shifts.
But what about the priorities? I think that thing with coming in time to work but not to dates nails it It sort of says that an ADHD person can follow through, but only if it's important enough I started dating a charming ADHD gentleman approximately a year and half ago.
I could not believe this prince charming of an individual would have zero attention span whatsoever. All the symptoms.
Needless to say, we clashed HARD. I was torn to say the least. I had no idea what was the problem at first until I realized he was psychologically, slightly off balance.
My love for him pushed me to find a way to survive. Truth is, if you love him you will work with him and not expect him to change. I love mine so I find pleasure in cleaning up after him, its a huge support system for him, and I'm gratified with a sense of being needed in the relationship.
I love him so I often choose not to respond when talking about controversial issues. I am educationally opinionated so I save political debates for the office; let the boyfriend speak his mind and be a listener at home. I feel empowered and strong enough to survive AND flourish in this relationship.
I'm sure many women need support when dealing with ADHD men. My only suggestion is to blog it out. Take deep breaths. And learn to just laugh at the times you find fruit snack wrappers in the shower. I think you have a very good point in many ways, I also am with you on the love part, I still am in the period where I love to do things for my husband more of "mommy things" if you understand what I mean however, we have both not been in the relationships for as long as most women on here.
So I feel that before I get a few years on my neck I can't actually say this for sure. I'm the one with ADD, however so I don't have to look after my husband in the same way that the women have to here. Also a lot of the diagnosed people that are being discussed on this site mostly husbands seem to have some other issues as well.
Sometimes violence, denial, being immature, alcohol abuse. I wish I had the kind of income and health that would allow me to support my husband and do all that is necessary to maintain our home. Alas, it is not true in my case. I was also unable to support us both while he chose not to work and it was my needs that went by the wayside and not his.
I envy you your strength. Marrying someone with ADHD nearly killed me. Living and dealing with someone with ADHD is not easy.
It is a constant struggle for me everyday, especially since I am the polar opposite of my significant other. Laundry, cleaning and cooking are everyday tasks. When it comes to handling these tasks for someone with ADHD it is comparable to caring for a child. I personally do not want to have children; the process of pregnancy freaks me out! Im currently young and energetic enough to care for my 30 year old child, Im also fully exhausted at the end of each day, physically and mentally.
Dating someone with severe adhd
I talk myself through the difficult times. Do your research and be aware of the disorder. You will understand him and his antics better if you study. When times are hard, I take a step back, analyze the situation, and blame the disease, not him.
See if he will study the disorder with you. Perhaps he will understand himself better and recognize what his specific symptoms are that put stress on the relationship. Remember, he should want the relationship to work as much as you do. That being said, you also need to distinguish what he can control between things the disease prevents him from controlling. Make sure he takes his medicine!
The physical stresses of cleaning and constant effort needed to survive all the mini mental break downs will undoubtedly cause most relationships to end in divorce. Its not easy, its not fair, you didn't ask for this, its not your fault, you didn't see this coming. It takes a special kind of person to survive the daily struggle of living with someone with ADHD.
You need to be utterly selfless in a world where men and women try so hard to be treated equally. Women work and earn similar to men which leaves cooking and cleaning responsibilities up for debate. But when you live with someone with ADHD, you must accept all the homecare responsibilities. You also need to be patient. Do not let his forgetfulness and inability to get out of the door on time annoy you, see if it annoys him.
If you don't complain he has no one to blame or fight with but himself. You seem to have committed yourself to being your BF's "parent. Even if I were not handicapped, I would not want to be involved in a relationship where contributions were so unequal. If you break your leg, would you get "what do you mean, you can't do laundry because you are on crutches?
Honestly, I don't mean to criticize you, and you may enjoy what he brings to the relationships enough for it all to be worth it. But accepting all that responsibility sounds hard to me. I am trying to be as optimistic as I possibly can in a troubling situation. I do not mind accepting the parent title in my relationship, he fulfills my needs above and beyond in our partnership. He is actually always there for me when I need him; I realize this could be part of hyperfocus; I've witnessed my boyfriend go over 2 months without doing laundry.
If I couldn't do laundry for a while he honestly wouldn't notice. I fell in love with my boyfriend's charming personality and thriving passion for life and adventure.
I've never felt the way I do for him for any one else. I am a realist at the same time and fully aware feelings come and go with life and change. MY fear is that I will not be able to keep up with his hyperactive mind. My fear is the gambling. This is not going to be easy. There will never be a dull moment. I did not realize this sight was mostly for married couples. I was just looking for a way to express my feelings and attitude.
My boyfriend possess the violence, being immature, alcohol and drug abuse, gambling, and anxiety issues. He is not in denial about his ADHD but he still does not realize when the symptoms of his disease are affecting him. He has trouble linking certain behaviors to the disease. I am not married to my ADHD partner but took on the role very quickly out of need. I had been married 15 yrs. I would not marry my man right now even if he thought of asking.
We have enough problems. He is another child and I guess I took on that role. For the last 6 years. Most times I accept it and just shake my head. The messiness and lack of even caring is frustrating. I can't count the times he has said " well don't do it then, I don't care". Forgetting that I live here too. My biggest problem is the way his mind thinks. Drugs have been a constant problem in our relationship. He has tried a number of different treatments and failed.
Is this associated with the ADHD? I would assume so. He also has been very destructive and violent. Usually breaking something of mine because he doesn't own anything of his own. Black and blue I have been and a few broken bones. And rivers!!!!! Even our dog knows when to hide. Another fear is that this ADHD knowledge becomes a excuse that has already been played out. I realize that it is real. I live with the fallout everyday. But as we discover this book together will the tools that I use and the tools he uses allow him to stop making excuses and take some responsibility.
Take some of the work of this relationship off me. Truly is hard work. I am a strong woman but I have problems of my own that I must manage. Sometimes it feels like I have no one that takes care of me.
I get very scared about who would take care of me if I needed it. I want to feel safe and this is just not the way it is.
Will I ever. Can he grow up. I am also afraid of what will happen if there is a tragedy his father who he says he hates is now in his second battle with cancer how will he react and how devistatingly hard it is going to be on me. I often wait for the day his family thanks me or laughs at me behind my back for taking their "problem " off their hands. I've said to his mother a few times that it is really hard raising HER son.
No pats on the back here. If you want it or think you might be able to survive it and you still love him when he's sleeping then it's still on for another day.
We women are easy to manipulate because we want to be loved so much. My love also struggles with ADHD. We recently found each other on Facebook after 30 years of both being married to others.
WE go back awhileHim and I were great best friends when we were in our 20's. So, Almost 30 yrs later he finds me on FB under my maiden name and the sparks began to fly.
We both could not believe the passion we both carried for each other, our new found relationship was so intense! I felt like I have found my "soul Mate" for real this time. So a year has gone by. During this time he has mentioned to me his ADHD diagnosis that his ex-wife insisted he had and to get help for! Bless her soul, she did do the right thing on that part. So after 8 months or so into this passionate relationship, the phone calls became less, the text messages, the weekends together etc.
I struggled with the fact that his love for me was diminishing. I then became angry at him for this and started aggressively belting out rude comments and texts at him. Which only began to shut him down from me. See he also struggles with confrontations, he can not stand to argue or get angry at anyone.
This only made me think he could not stand up for what he believes is right. And left not speaking to him for weeks I truly love this manI now have done all my research on adult ADHD and to my surprise and my ignorance - I have figured him out! I should have done this in the beginning when he first told me he had ADHD.
Now I totally understand why he does what he does and should not take it personally, it is the disorder! My emotional outbreaks were because I thought he was doing things on purpose to push me away, when it was never like that. His feelings for me have never changed during our time together. Maybe this is a good lesson to others who are dating someone with ADHD and think they know what it is about.
I say do your homework!! Understanding it will help you to understand this love! Don't make the same mistakes by being ignorant to it. If you are a caring,patient person than you will accept the differences and create a wonderful life together! I am hoping and praying at 55 that I can have my soul mate back again and enjoy maybe the next yrs together!
So I just wait I don't think you will ever get your "soul mate" back, unless you come back as a new person, or a person he loves at a distance. We have been married 20 years and the attention that was there at the beginning has not come back after the first year of marriage. They don't see the real him at all. Just my son and I see the real thing. Doing your homework is one thing, having enough love and patience to get through a lifetime together of it is another thing, and honestly the biggest question and challenge: whether your ADHD mate will work with you.
They may or may not. I too love my Man and we too connected after 30 years. And I too launched a barrage of complaints - all about not paying attention to me. I don't know if I can just not be hurt by it even though it is the disease and not him. And now he is hiding out. We have hardly talked in the last month. We are long distance. I actually think that has helped him be in a relationship because he can pretty well ignore me except for one weekend a month and for a few phone calls.
And he treats the calls like things on his to do list, which, of course, pisses me off. So, did you and your guy reconnect? It is so hurtful to hear him say he's not sure he wants to continue.
Pity, dating someone with severe adhd confirm
But hearing that you heard the same phrase, helps me feel like at least I'm not alone. He's my guy, why can't he reach out and grab me literally and figuratively and tell me he wants me and wants to be my guy?
You post is almost a year old but I just wanted to know how things have worked out for you. I don't know what the right thing to do here. Just leave him alone or try to contact him I just found this website today, and I am so glad I did, because I keep struggling with my issues for weeks and months and really need some input from people who are going through similar things. This is going to be a quite long story, because I believe I have to start from the very beginning in order to have you understand everything.
Also, English is not my native language, so I hope I will be able to articulate myself in a way that you understand everything. If not, please feel free to correct me ; I am Austrian and moved to the Caribbean 4 years ago. Soon after the move I got divorced from my husband of 4 years, and soon after got into a new relationship with a local man african american.
That relationship lasted 2. After that break-up, which was initiated by myself because I realized that I was in a very abusive not physically and addictive relationship, I dated 2 other local man both african americanbut it didn't work out because I am very set in my ways when it comes of my personal goals.
One of them is to find a man who actually wants a serious and long-term relationship, one who is able to be honest and faithful to his woman, and these characteristics sadly are very rare in the Caribbean society. I am 37 and I was just tired of "wasting" my time with men who didn't know what they want, or who simply were looking for plain fun and sex.
Agree, the dating someone with severe adhd remarkable, rather useful
So I stopped dating men and focused more on my daughter and my job. Yet I was feeling very lonely sometimes, and since one of my major goals is to be a "whole" family again, with the right man on my side, I started trying out online dating. That was in September